Who suffers when employees manipulate supervisors?
When I speak to supervisors about how to respond to toxic employee behavior I am often struck by the pain they feel when employees mount these manipulation attacks. There is usually a point where someone cries. It’s actually not because they’re sad, but it is relief that someone finally understands and validates what they’ve been through. They feel tremendous comfort from sitting among others who have had similar experiences. It’s the power of the group. Of course the company also suffers as employees are distracted from job duties by social turmoil.
Manipulative employees are among the most challenging for any supervisor. However, inexperienced managers are especially vulnerable when supervising crafty long-service staff. These super manipulators have antennae for finding your weak spots. Maybe you care what others think of you. Maybe you can’t stand to get the silent treatment from coworkers. Whatever it is, they’ll find it. Building on what pushes your buttons, manipulators will create fear and through that fear, control you and the actions of those around you. These strategies are all meant to prevent you from holding them accountable and they typically work very well. Supervisors need the knowledge and strategies to see the manipulation in order to neutralize it.
Emotional manipulation in the workplace can involve:
1. Power – Arguments over who has authority and how policies are enforced;
2. Personal attacks – meanness directed at the supervisor; and
3. Emotional blackmail – threat to become overly/highly emotional.
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Here are some of what I like to call “conversation stoppers” manipulative employees use to get their supervisor to stop the offense and get on the defensive:
“You didn’t tell me I couldn’t leave early”
It works: supervisors will second guess themselves that they haven’t been clear, try to clarify their instructions and then feel guilty about enforcing consequences.
Try this instead: “I hear you but no supervisor is expected to make an exhaustive list of everything an employee can or can’t do. What we are looking for is good judgment from all our employees. People who think about the company’s needs. We have two choices. We can remove all your decision-making authority or I can provide coaching to you about all the negative effects your leaving early has on coworkers and customers.”
“You didn’t warn me about this change”
It works: The supervisor feels badly that employees might have been caught off-guard. He/she will hesitate and again, may not feel comfortable holding the employee accountable.
Try this instead: “Yes. You’ve mentioned that before. I guess what we are looking for is for people who are flexible. We also like it when employees think ahead and anticipate changes. For the company to be successful in today’s business climate, we have to be prepared to change rapidly. We have to move with the markets. Maybe this just isn’t a strength for you. Maybe you might feel comfortable in a different assignment.”
Here are some other “power and authority” proclamations you might encounter:
- I was promised this schedule when I started
- You told me I could use my discretion
- You never told me my performance was a problem
- My performance has always been evaluated as above average
- My old supervisor was okay with it
- You come in late, you leave early
- Jane comes in late, she leaves early
- We all discussed it and we changed the decision
2. Personal attacks
These can be especially painful for supervisors who want to be well-liked. Here are some examples:
“We talked about it and we all feel that you are the worst/meanest supervisor.”
It works: No supervisor wants to hear this. The trouble is that it probably isn’t true. When a manipulator wants others to hate you they tell people only the parts of the story that make you look bad. And if people do hate you as you are the only supervisor actually making employees accountable it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Try this instead: “It seems like you’ve been busy talking negatively about me and the company . You don’t seem to understand what supervisors are asked to do here by our bosses. I get paid to make sure employees all contribute to company sustainability. I guess if making sure employees get their work done makes me the worst supervisor, then oh well. I need to correct you on the “mean” comment, though. If you experience a supervisors questions or evaluations of your work as “mean” you might want to rethink working here because that “mean” thing is going to happen every day. We’ve established that you think I’m mean. What’s next?” Move on to the next topic.
Other person attacks meant to control you or distract you from holding employees accountable include:
- No one likes you
- No one wants to sit with you at lunch
- I don’t think the boss respects your work
- We don’t think this is the right job for you
3. Emotional blackmail
The use or threat of use of strong emotions to control others is less common that the other two techniques but can be very effective. Using this strategy, supervisees become overly emotional (tears, upset, victim) at the slightest hint of negative feedback from their supervisor.
“I don’t feel safe here, why does my supervisor keep doing these things to me?”
It works: Everyone is on egg shells to keep the person from expressing their strong emotions all over the office. In the long term, this gives the individual tremendous power. First it is emotional breakdowns. Then it’s just the threat or idea that it could happen. Before you know it, decisions that could result in their upset are re-thought. This dynamic has a chilling effect on creativity and innovation as these emotional employees are generally averse to any change.
Try this instead: “I understand that you were upset when we turned down your request to leave early today. There are coverage issues this afternoon. The problem is that the things that cause you to be emotionally overwhelmed are things that most people in the office take in stride. In addition, these are things that will continue to go on in the office. The way you handle this . . going around to everyone’s office and talking trash about me and the company are enormously disruptive to everyone’s work. I would like to work with you to come up with some strategies that will reduce the amount of emotional outbursts in the office.”
General strategies for supervisors
If you stay grounded and understand these remarks as manipulation attempts instead of true or possibly true statements, you can stay detached and keep your cool. Another strategy is to bond together with other supervisors and help them to see how these tactics distract supervisors and wear them down. Staying united and supporting one another can be a powerful way to respond to manipulative techniques. Finally, find ways to de-stress and associate with supportive healthy friends outside of work. If needed, see a coach or therapist to maintain healthy self worth and prevent yourself from victimization by this kind of behavior.
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